Living it

As a survivor of child abuse, I am reminded every day that my mind never empties, it never does shake the memories that are etched into my soul. I wonder how these memories define me, how they influence the decisions I make, or how much of a negative impact, they really do have over me. I have worked hard over the years to set my mind at ease with what I went through. It has taken a long time to find myself and accept who I am, but, to be truthful, I can not say I am truly happy with what I have become.
Now, please understand, I have no regrets, well maybe a few, but I am very grateful for what I do have, I have an amazing wife who blessed me with four beautiful children. They are my everything, my heart and my soul, they are the flame within my heart that keeps me going, day after day. Yet, I constantly feel like I am failing them, not giving them everything they should have.
We struggle, day in  and day out, financially because of my inability to find good pay. I have spent almost twenty years in mental health, 13 of which I worked for the best Children’s Hospital in the country, now I know I should be proud of that, and I am, but now I find myself working for half of what I was making, struggling even more to make ends meet. I feel degraded in some ways, I’m feeling like all my years of in patient work, all the crisis’s that I have witnessed and all the successful stories that I have been a part of, were for nothing.
I know I have been feeling pretty depressed lately, I try to hide it the best I can, but slowly, I know my wife is feeling my stress, I know my kids are feeling it as well. I feel like a failure. I have always tried my best at everything that has showed itself to me, I have given it everything I have, but lately I feel like that was never enough. Which brings me back to those feelings and memories of self doubt and worthlessness. I wonder if I am as strong and as wise as I thought I was. At the same time, I regret saying that. I am hopeful, that there is a much bigger meaning behind all this, only time will tell.

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